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Onion Sample 2018

Updated: Sep 2

25 HEADLINES


LOCAL

  • Report: Boyfriends Agree - With Everything

  • Local Man Bets $10,000 Dollars On The Puppy Bowl, Just To Feel Something

  • School Bully Believes He Can Ruin More Lives If He Just Applied Himself

  • Josh Groban Continues To Bring The Motherfucking Ruckus At Local Starbucks

  • “World's Biggest Bruce Lee Fan" Unable To Name Five Of His Nunchucks

  • Guy Named Aidan Kinda Sucks

  • Attractive Woman Must Decide On Whether To Use Powers For Good Or Evil

  • Youngest Son Beginning To Notice Inconsistencies In 19 Year Age Gap

  • Samantha To Hear Brittney's Opening Argument On Why Jason Likes Sarah Even Though Billy Totally Likes Courtney

  • 5 Dead, 13 Injured In Local Dick-Measuring Contest


TECH/SCIENCE

  • Airbnb's New Foster Home Experience Looking To Put The 'Fun' In Orphanage

  • Scientists Agree - Over The Last 4 years, Earth Has Gotten Hotter... Way Bigger Tits

  • In Desperate PR Move, Mark Zuckerberg Brings Internet To Maine

  • NASA Attends 7AM British Renaissance Lecture To Observe Time Standing Still


POLITICS

  • Rudy Giuliani Admits To And Then Denies "Letting The Dogs Out"

  • Mike Pence Shuts Down Conversion Therapy After Accidentally Creating 50 Foot Mega Gay

  • Ivanka Trump New Sustainable Fashion Line Made Up Of 100% Recycled Subpoenas

  • Melania Trump Pledges To Open Eyes More in 2019


ENTERTAINMENT

  • Did You Know: Christian Bale Waterboarded Hundreds of Iraqis Every Day To Prepare For His Role As Dick Cheney?

  • Kanye West Set To Finally Climax After Sucking Own Dick For Years

  • Steven Seagal's Goatee Hospitalized Due To Exhaustion

  • Kevin Spacey To Play Monster In Nightmares


SPORTS

  • Tom Brady Spends Bye Week Making Out With Entire Family

  • Paper Bag With Mustache Drawn-On Tapped As The New Browns Head Coach

  • Lebron James To Open Up Charter School For The Vertically Challenged



 


NEWS IN BRIEFS


IN DESPERATE PR MOVE, MARK ZUCKERBERG BRINGS INTERNET TO MAINE


PORTLAND, ME ​— ​In what can only be described as a desperate bid for public approval, Mark Zuckerberg has announced that he will be bringing the Internet to the indigenous tree people of the North East’s snow-covered wasteland. Zuckerberg kicked off his “Mark Saves Maine” Tour in Portland, where hundreds of Mainers emerged from the tree-line in tattered Red Sox hats and Tom Brady jerseys - hoping to catch a glimpse of their first outsider. “He’s so pale,” remarked one villager, “like his body physically rejects sunlight,” said another. Facebook officials were surprised to discover how well-socialized the villagers were despite having lived without human contact outside of their remote townships. “Their intricate system of interpersonal conversation and hand-carved memes is fascinating,” remarked an official – “they’ve never even heard of Farmville.” ​When prompted with footage of the most recent Super Bowl, the villagers immediately became upset – their ideology and pride tightly bound to the success of the New England Patriots, a team over 200 miles away. ​Dropping routers and ethernet cables from his personalized drone, Zuckerberg confessed that he would be the one that would hold their hand into the 21st Century. Neither Mark or his team have been seen for weeks.

LOCAL MAN BETS $10,000 DOLLARS ON THE PUPPY BOWL, JUST TO FEEL SOMETHING


KANSAS CITY, MO ​— Overtaken by the monotony of his office supplies job and the lack of excitement in his life, Craig Bowers put $10,000 dollars on the San Diego Ruff Ryders to win the Puppy Bowl. Mired by a long history of failed business ventures and impulsive decision-making, Bowers withdrew his savings and threw it on the 10-point money line to, “Feel a rush”. Bowers credits his day manager Katie for cutting his hours and his girlfriend leaving him for the split- second decision - risking his financial future on a glorified dog show while consulting virtually no one. “We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war”, said Bowers, cryptically quoting Fight Club into a lit cigarette. Further emboldened by this newfound gunslinger mentality Bowers stated, “It feels like I’m in a staring contest with absolute oblivion...and I refuse to blink” KANYE WEST SET TO FINALLY CLIMAX AFTER SUCKING OWN DICK FOR YEARS


LOS ANGELES ​— After months of speculation and self-promotion, Kanye West announced on Twitter that he will officially cum this Thursday after riding his own dick for the past two decades. The move comes as a shock to many who thought felt that the monumental expectations on the unrealized genius would keep him in a perpetual state of constant masturbation. “As you all know - I love myself every day, and sometimes twice when I can’t fall asleep,” West concluded - “it’s time for me to finally finish what I started.” The Polos and Backpack rapper went on to say that it he is the best lover that he has ever taken, and assured fans that the amount of ejaculate produced will be “monsoon-like” in its proportion - “THE MOST EVER”, another tweet read. Experts agree that West’s decision to finally cum would bring him the clarity he desperately needs - noting that prolonged auto-fellatio would only inhibit his ability to speak in complete sentences. LA residents are set to evacuate Wednesday night as to avoid possible pregnancy - traffic expected on the 405, leave early.

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