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Onion Sample 2016

25 Headlines

LOCAL

  • Fall: Continues To Be Indecisive Little Bitch

  • Female Bodybuilder Successfully Becomes Own Boyfriend

  • Man’s Pet Snake Much Bigger In Person Than On Dating Profile

  • Whacky Foster Mom Puts The Fun In Orphan

  • Report: Older Brother Feels Grip Slipping As Usurper Wins Second Consecutive Game of Mario Kart

  • Local Woman’s Instagram Caption Defeats ISIS

  • Alumni Association Successfully Fucks Itself After Seeking Donations From Newly Graduated Seniors

  • Area Man Calls Woman To Ask Her Out, Like A Complete Psychopath

  • Divorced Parents Agree To Split Custody Of Children’s Self-Esteem

  • Teen’s Tissue Pile Suspiciously Tall For July

ENTERTAINMENT

  • Tarantino’s Third Installment of Teletubbies To Be His Bloodiest One Yet

  • BDSM Convention Dominated By Rogue Crop-duster


RELIGION

  • The Vatican Confirms That Pope Francis Prefers Loose, Modest Robes to Traditional Fit Because He’s Got a Big Ol’ Dick


SPORTS

  • Gay Cousin’s New Friend Will Round Out The Starting Line-Up of Topics Grandma Will Desperately Avoid At Thanksgiving

  • Eli Manning’s Hoagie Wrapper Intercepted On The Way To Trash Can


POLITICS

  • Report: 97% of Millennials Find Bill O’Reilly To Be “Old as Balls”

  • Klansmen Going Green, “This Is The Kind of Change We Needed”

  • Cog In Corporate Machine Considering Career Change To Grandfather Clock

  • District Circuit Court Judge Rules Teenager To Be A “Big Deal” on 2 of 5 Hoobastank Message Boards

  • Donald Trump Junior Accused of Setting Up Secret Backchannel with Nickelodeon, Toonami

  • Unpaid Wookies Bring Donald Trump’s Gilded Death Star Construction To A Halt


SCIENCE/TECH

  • New Gender Pronouns To Be Released With Next iTunes Update

  • Battle-Axes, And What They Can Do For Your Centaur Problem

  • Scientists Have Long Theorized, But Never Witnessed a Kimpossible Force meeting a Ronstoppable Object, Until Now

  • David Attenborough To Narrate New Series On People Who Tweet @ Taco Bell About Their Diarrhea

  • Man’s Hella Gay Apartment Haunted By Ghost Of Internet Commenter

 


News in Briefs

Klansmen Going Green, “This Is The Kind Of Change We Needed”

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI— For over a century, the Knights of Jackson Mississippi have served as a cornerstone in the fight for Americanism and the preservation of White Christian heritage. While the threat of race-mixing and Zionist influence loom at the forefront of their movement, they also find themselves fighting a different war - against an enemy they can’t lynch. As climate change, minority population growth, and pollution continue to harm the environment, the Klan must decide if they want to be on the wrong side of history. “There comes a time when you have to look in the mirror and ask yourself “Am I a Jew and part of the problem, or am I part of the (final) solution?” confesses Turbo Chapter Wizard, Byron Grelp. “Hell, we won’t even buy cups to write Impeach Anti-Christ Obama on the freeway overpass unless they’re 100% biodegradable.”Fellow chapter members echoed this sentiment and thus birthed the Green Knight’s Initiative, an environmentally conscious effort for Klansmen to practice green habits. “All of our ceremonial robes are made up of a free trade poly-cotton blend and we’ve cut our carbon emissions in half by only burning Eco-friendly crosses,” smiles Chapter President, Shep Dyer. “It’s nice to know that in our mission to drive the subhuman mongrels back to their cave dwellings, that we’re not negatively impacting the environment. God gave his land to the whites so as whites, we need to make sure we’re not fucking it up, ya know? This is the kind of change we needed.”


Local Woman’s Instagram Caption Defeats ISIS

DES MOINES, IA— US Patriot and National Hero Linda Lang to be honored today at the Wells Fargo Center Monster Jam for her invaluable contribution to the defeat of ISIS. During the dirt bike intermission, Lang was presented the Congressional Gold Medal, and addressed the crowd of nearly 40,000 Iowans. “After the Paris attacks, I knew I couldn’t sit idly by, so I changed my profile picture filter,” she stammered, “the stakes were too high.” Armed only with her sister’s Nokia flip-phone and a positive mental attitude, the former Golden Corral waitress was able to successfully infiltrate the complex terrorist network’s, now inactive, Instagram page @ISIS. Using a sepia tone and tastefully shot cornfield, Lang proceeded to lay the sexy on, thick. The photo, which brought about world peace, can only be described as a bacon-wrapped question mark inside of a deep fried enigma. The accompanying caption levied a series of threats against the Islamist State, including bathing in their sun-stained tears as well as barrel rolling her 2012 Honda Odyssey through their favorite mosque. Within hours, ISIS forces in Aleppo, Mosul and Raqqa laid down their weapons – rambling on about Midwestern women and fuel-efficient mini-vans with front, rear and third row cup-holders. As we approach the three-month anniversary, take a second to think about where you were when Linda Lang said enough is enough, and took a stand against terrorism. In an unprecedented act of bipartisan solidarity, Congress motioned to rename the McRib to the McLinda. The motion passed unanimously.


Man’s Hella Gay Apartment Haunted By Ghost Of Internet Commenter

BROOKLYN, NY—When Landry Epstein signed the lease to his one bedroom studio, he did so with the full intention of living alone. Epstein says he discovered the apparition one day when he was scrolling through an ex’s profile and a disembodied voice wailed, “Dece bod - not a fan of her face. I’ve seen better.” Several friends of Epstein have complained about the Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos residue the specter leaves behind, while others don’t mind. “HotPussySexSlayer77 isn’t the worst roommate Landry’s had. He used to live in Queens with this oboe player named, Mikel—that guy sucked.” Sources close to the phantom confirm that HPSS77 died by asphyxiation in a self-described naked model avalanche, while attending a friend’s LAN party. He’s been haunting the cluttered residence ever since. “When he isn’t wailing about the Libertarian party, he’s usually saying whatever I’m doing is either photoshopped or gay, sighs Epstein, he comments on real life, like you would on a message board, or something.” According to reports, HPSS77 isn’t haunting the apartment, as much as he is waiting for his ride. His mother, also deceased, refuses to pick him up until he apologizes to her boyfriend, Julian – for letting his indoor cat out of the house

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