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Rejected Jokes from a Wildlife Show














Intro - Survival vs Thrival

  • In order to survive in the wild, one must also thrive. When I say thrive, I don’t mean it in the way that recently divorced women say it. Like “Oh Sheila is single and thriving”. No, Sheila you’re not “thriving”, you’re an alcoholic and you need to leave Panera Bread.

Shelter

  • Our raised shelter design is based on what is called a chickee, which is Cajun for “House That Sucks”. A chickee is an open structure consisting of palm thatching on a log frame with a raised floor. By keeping us off the ground, we can secure our gear and remain safe from any unwanted visitors - like Sheila, who is back on speaking terms with her sister, but still not allowed in Dunkin Donuts

Passive Fishing

  • It’s raining… you know what that means, we’re getting a new Frank Ocean album, but it also means passive fishing. That way if another storm comes in, we can chill out in our shelter and let the fish come to us. As the old adage goes, “If you give a man a fish, he’ll tell you he doesn’t eat fish because it's unethical, but if you teach that man how to fish, he’ll tell you that “His dad actually invented fish” and that he’s also “seen them live multiple times”

Nutria (Semi-Aquatic Rodent)

  • Nutria are semi-aquatic rodents that have become one of the most invasive species in the United States. Second only to blogging.

  • Nutria are semi-aquatic rodents that have become an invasive species in the United States. Historically known for ravaging golf courses, destroying lands, and bearing the white Hand of Saurumon

Reed Boats

  • The food is not coming to us, so we have to go find it. Now that we have these reed boats……*stares at camera* we’ll be sure to make some waves. A lot of people think it’s dangerous out here, but I personally believe you get some of your best thinking done…. Bayou Self

  • The food is not coming to us, so we have to go find it. These Reed boats should allow us to navigate the river, but more importantly, it’ll allow us to shoot the music video for our highly-anticipated studio single Swamp THOTS

Alligators

  • Please keep your arms and legs inside the reed boat at all times. We here at the Louisiana Bayou are not responsible for any lost or stolen limbs.

  • The Louisiana Bayou is home to over 2 million alligators, but curiously none of them seem to have a job? And they all drive Escalades?

Fire

  • So now we’ve got fire, water and a kick-ass shelter, the only thing that’s missing is Mother’s approval

  • So now we’ve got fire, water and a kick-ass shelter. All we’re missing is the new Silk Sonic album and matching kimonos

Catching A Snake to Use As Fishing Bait

  • Daniel Day Lewis Dances With Wolves, but Ray Livingston Fishes With Snakes

  • You know the saying, a snake on the line, feeling fine. 2 birds in the bush... with the stone. Something like that

Rain

  • This rain has been a real bummer, retweet and tag three friends for better weather

  • If I ever meet the guy who invented rain - It’s on sight

Successful Hunt Wrap-up

  • Sometimes the only thing you need is another guy with a beard and multiple eyewitnesses to keep you from crying on national TV. But we’ve got our hugs in and we’re making progress out here in the swamp.

  • This fishing journey was a lot like the movie, Doubt, except not even a little bit. But much like Meryl Streep, we rallied, got our hugs in, and now back to paving a way for

Bow Hunting

  • Now that we’ve got our sea-legs, it’s time to capitalize. Our present is under the tree, all we need to do is put a bow on it

Louisiana Wrap - Up

  • And in the end, we learned a lot about Louisiana, specifically how to spell it. But more importantly, we learned that all you need to survive in the Louisiana Bayou is Food, Water, Shelter, Blankets, Fire, Socks, 3-5 Knives... and Friendship.

  • Louisiana pushed us to our limits, but in the end we found that sometimes all you need is food, shelter and a friend to turn a BAYOU into a BAY-US or BAYHOME (turn a swamp into a home)


New Mexico Intro


Host 1 - Hypothermia or Heatstroke, take your pick

Host 2 - I’ll take shelter, water and a Hammock for 500, Alex

Host 1 - With all the rattlesnakes, mountain lions and other predators - shelter is a MUST.

Host 2 - Even finding small game like pack rats and rabbits will force us to look in every nook... and cranny.

Host 1 - People talk about nooks and crannies, but what makes something a nook versus a cranny?

Host 2 - This place is going to give us a run for our money...but this is what we live for!

Host 1 - And we’ll be answering the age-old question of what the hell is a “Nook”? And who does Cranny think she is?

Host 2 (off mic) - we’re not going to do that … why not? Because it’s dumb

Host 1 (off mic yelling) - You’re dumb!


Water

  • Since neither of us are camels, we’re gonna need to get water the old fashioned way, by finding a river or making a pact with Namekh, the unethical, New Mexican Rain God

  • Well, thirst things thirst, we need to secure some water. Hah, dry humor

  • Earth, Wind, Water, Fire, Heart. By these powers combined, I am Captain Desert

Water pt. 2

  • WATER! I finally know what Tom Hanks was screaming about when he was chasing that volleyball. Anyone else notice Tom Hanks doesn’t realize he’s the main character until 75% of the way through every movie he’s in? Anyway, I love water and I love Tom Hanks.

  • Thank god I was wearing my lucky river finding glasses that I got from that gypsy. I KNEW they weren’t a waste of money.

  • As the great Bruce Lee once said, rivers are a great source of water, and that water is wet. And I’m made of water, and I need to drink that water, so that I BECOME the water.

Hogan Shelter

  • As much as I love being Donny’s little spoon, we’re going to need a shelter to help us with these cold desert nights. What better way to lay a smackdown on the cold than with THE REIGNING INTERCONTINENTAL TAG-TREE CHAMPION, HULK HOGAN. OH YEAH SHELTER

Hogan Shelter Completed

  • Now that we have this shelter, we can solely focus on food, and then THE WORLD

  • I’m SO happy we were able to finish the shelter, because the alternative would be freezing to death. IT’S LIT!

  • OH YEAH, SHELTER! It felt so good the first time, I just wanted to run it back

Pack Rats

  • Pack rats are little rodents that live in nest holes all throughout the desert. They’ve got poor eyesight and they’re slow, so our plan is to sell them a series of timeshares, slowly driving them into debt, and then their nest hole, becomes OUR nest hole, but until then, we’re going to lay these traps.

  • So we’re going to exploit that with a series of progressively harder riddles and our traps.

Pack Rat Gets Away

  • The pack rat has escaped us, but we will track it down and drive it from the earth! Or take a nap, I’m not sure - I haven’t eaten for several days

  • Classic, we smoke them out, and then they leave? Was it the beard? I can shave it

  • Bested once again, by the elusive packrat, but fear not, I have my trusty rabbit stick! It has served me well, as it did my father before me.

Clay

  • When you mix water, dirt and grass you make Clay, which is a great building material, but bad with money. The use of clay goes back thousands of years to when the Ancient Aliens taught it to The Egyptians when they were making the pyramids. *Joe Rogan voice* “Jamie, pull that up”

  • Clay is a great natural resource and building material. First discovered by the Egyptians, housing structures were made with clay in order to keep out the heat and cold more effectively. These advancements in technology allowed Egyptians to thrive in the harsh environment, as well as earn the nickname of HUGE NERDS.

Horno Earth Oven

  • HORNO is a really Spanish way of saying EARTH OVEN. When it’s time to grub, our hombres can pop some paella in the HORNO (roll the r) and take a much needed siesta. I did a term abroad

  • Getting food into our faces quicker is always priority number one. So we’re building a HORNO or EARTH OVEN, it’s a fast and easy way to cook right away, so we can spend less time starving to death, and more time NOT starving to death

Cactus

  • I’m so hungry I could eat a cactus. OH LOOK! A cactus

  • Cactus, can’t live with it, can’t trust it….not even with your best friend

  • Did you know that every time you eat a cactus: 1) Daniel Craig is forced to do another James Bond movie. 2) A 20 year old’s beard connects. *a beat* Just now a kid in Long Island is running to mother’s bathroom like its Christmas morning.

Hunger

  • If we don’t get something soon, I’m going to be forced to eat my inner child, which is a tough decision, but I’ve made peace with it.

  • Food is a spectre that hangs over my head, yet constantly evading me. Taunting me, asking me why I don’t want to hang out with her friends. And I’m like, they’re your friends, why do I have to hang out with them? I’m so hungry

Snakes

  • The fact that we keep coming to these remote locations and the only thing we keep consistently finding is a snake. And it’s always me, killing a snake, and then I adopt the snake’s son as my own and raise it. And then one day I tell the snake’s son that I killed his father and we fight to the death on a rooftop.But ultimately, I let the snake’s son kill me because I’ve grown to love him as my own.

  • We all know the story: a snake walks into a garden, gets a lady to eat an apple, boom, the snake's got no feet, everybody’s got clothes. What were we talking about?

  • Snakes are a great source of protein, but terrible with money, no pockets.

New Mexico Wrap Up

  • Our time in the desert was exactly how you would expect it to be, insanely hot and then insanely cold with scarce animal and plant life, it truly felt like we were...Castaways. Tom Hanks, please adopt me.

  • Our time in the desert was so awesome. We made so many new friends, we built forts, we found a snake, we almost died several times, but then we didn’t die. I can’t wait to come back next year when I get my braces off

New Mexico Wrap-Up Pt. 2

  • The New Mexican desert was unwelcoming and the hosts were evasive. Little to no contact - The A/C was broken, heater was busted, and I didn’t see a “balcony” or a “patio” - ⅖ stars

  • 120+ degrees during the day, negative who gives a fuck at night. Only things to eat were snakes, cactus and one rabbit. I feel like Andy Dufresne must have felt, after crawling through the waste pipe.

  • New Mexico, as we all know, is Spanish for “The New Mexico”. As opposed to “The Old Mexico”, who we don’t speak to anymore, because they cheat at Canasta




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